Writing writing writing writing….
My head started to spin, my mind conjuring a story of “not good enough”.
I’ve had a really challenging semester, and for the first time, while I’m over a year into my program, I seriously wanted to quit.
Broken down in tears, the pressure was all too consuming and I didn’t think I was going to make it.
That’s the funny thing about not sleeping, not dreaming, and not creating the space to envision something greater- old ways try to lure you back, into the snare we go…… the ego and small self waiting to sabotage you with these vulnerabilities.
We uprooted our lives and moved across the country while in the back of my mind these term papers were looming.
It has been a dream- albeit a difficult, amazing, exhausting, draining, fulfilling dream I am grateful for.
My heart knows I’m good enough but I felt really inadequate squeezing myself into an academically charged container while making one of the most intense transitions of my life.
The deadline to submit these papers is Wednesday at midnight and just now after four days and countless hours brainstorming, taking notes, and outlining…..the first paper finally took form.
As I’m writing about the imaginal- giving creative space for psyche to lead… I felt called to sit outside.
To breathe and be
To let go and release
To exhale tension
To allow space for creative expression.
To be reminded to care for the soul- not just the ego or wounded child who wants a good grade and to be liked by the professor.
The puer has been a strong influence- this inner child aspect wants to play, have fun, and create!
The senex continues to ground me back into the discipline necessary to complete a phase and move on to the next step.
In this moment, the puer wore me down and I needed a break. So I honored the inner child and decided to go outside and sit by the trees.
The first thing I see is this cloud in the sky.
To me, it’s looks like a Phoenix rising and flying with an open heart
This moment reflected the wisdom in stillness, to be in nature is different than understanding and receiving nature. It takes patience while allowing more to move through, igniting something new to form, creating from the old.
The senex (old/wise man) archetypal quality can be rigid and fixated on getting it right, but the puer (think of Peter Pan) reminds us to play and enjoy our creations, even (and especially) if they are academically or professionally inclined commitments~
Play, imagining, and wandering are all very potent forms of medicine for the soul….