Rest…eat….retreat… rest more. Every time I tried to put energy into my business, it felt as if I had hit an internal wall. Inspiration gone, the ability to concentrate disappeared. I consider myself a highly motivated and driven individual, so this was not a welcomed experience.
Layers of pain, memories filled with the agonizing mirror of self-loathing and relentless boredom flooded my experience. What happened to clarity, my deep knowing of the gifts I am meant to share with this word? What happened to that confident woman who was shifting into great awareness and gathering a tribe of like-minded souls to join in the momentum? Complacency, fear, anxiety seemed to be barricading the space of what only a few days earlier felt light and filled with divine guidance. Now distance, separation, and uncertainty were moving into my mind.
I sat with it all, in full resistance and annoyance, yet still gave it room to speak and breathed into these feeling and this curious energy that was revealing itself to me. I discovered something profound as I cried, ranted, raved, and spewed my “story” all over my sweet husband who was trying to help me move through it. I was releasing a memory from my childhood that had finally been given the time and space to have a voice.
A young child, navigating the world with wide eyes, an open heart, and a special connection to spirit and those who others could not see…….. It hit me like a ton of bricks, the embarrassment of “knowing things” without being told, the shame of feeling the pain, sadness, and anger of those who were not expressing in and I took it upon myself to absorb it for them.
The child who talked to the moon, the rocks, and trees, and spend hours wandering the woods, feeling a deep resonance with nature, so much so that the earth and trees felt safer and warmer to her than her own house.
As the story escaped my mouth, and words filtered out to be released, the pain and tension in my belly subsided and felt more like a stream finding its way back to the main river that a resistant, angry, raging woman who had lost control. With the story, left the stored emotions, the fear of “being seen”, fear of being ‘found out about”, fear of being judged, again and again, and again, all of it leaving in an instant.
Today I sit here in gratitude for this experience, recognizing the power of choice, I could leave my own shadow, and choose to allow the light into my heart. I could forgive those in my past who were “teachers”, helping me evolve my soul and consciousness. That was fabulous training ground for me to go within and listen to my own spirit.
Once again I am pouring my heart and soul into my business discovering that this entire experience has been a gift. My connections have deepened, sacred doorways are opening, and my entire energetic and physical system is upgrading on various levels. I am leaping into the light, not afraid of the shadow I cast, and even learning to tap into the wisdom it holds for me.